your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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