But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
