I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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