just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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