I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
