Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
