Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
