I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
