Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
