someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
