she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize