I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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