I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
