Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
4 words: hood of his car
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
