Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
this just has baby written all over it
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize