You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
