I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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