okay pat passed out under dana's car
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize