i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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