His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
