I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
