Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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