Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
