We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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