We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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