Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
