i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She needs sedatives and a leash
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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