Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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