Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
