I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
