You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
