She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
