my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
