Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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