I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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