if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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