"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i will never coherently bang her
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
