i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
