the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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