Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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