I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
