I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
