Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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