I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
