Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
