Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He passed out mid-signature
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Randomize
