So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
