It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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