I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
