I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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