This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You are the jesus of drinking
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
