we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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