Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
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