I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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