I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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