I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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