Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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