What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
