You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So many bounce houses so little time
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
