Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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