i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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