you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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