my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
