I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
the liver wants what the liver wants
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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